Break The Conditions

I have been doing a lot of writing ‘behind the scenes’ lately, hence why I have been quiet on the blog front. I am also letting the dust settle from my recent road trip around the UK before I decide what to do with my travel stories.

For now, I can share that I had a wonderful trip. Even though what I set out to do didn’t go to plan. I went with the flow instead, trusting my gut, my feelings and my intuition. And actually it was quite fun to throw out the plan and head into the unknown, making up my route as I went along. It was liberating as well as daunting, yet reassuring to be reminded that in the face of sudden change I can rely on myself for guidance.

The other day I read a blog post written by Jo Parfitt that instantly resonated with me. It was titled Shifting Sands and it got me thinking – and it inspired me to write this post. 

How do we really know what we want until we experience it? How can we know what we love, what we will put up with, what we need and so forth, unless we’ve had the experience of it? We can make lists upon lists of what we like and don’t like, the pros and cons, the must-haves and the must-not-haves.

But on paper or in our imaginations, life can be very different to reality and what actually comes to pass.

We can guess what is important, what we want or think we want (there is a difference), and we can be pleasantly, or unpleasantly, surprised by what turns up.

It is part of the adventure. It is part of life. The mind always wants to label things, name experiences and distinguish between the likes and the dislikes. When we take the mind out of the equation and we listen only to the heart, and we allow our heart to experience life, then we find it does not judge. It does not label things. It just goes with the flow. It loves everything, the so-called good and the so-called bad (which is the ego or mind again putting things into neat little boxes – the heart does not make a distinction). 

Something we think we might not enjoy can turn into something we can no longer live without. Likewise, something we think we will love to do can turn into a nightmare. It ought not to stop us from wishing and dreaming, but we need to be aware that at any minute we can reach a turning point, that plans can change at the last minute. When we ask for something, we need to ensure we also ask for the courage to deal with the consequences of our request.

In the meantime while we wait for our dreams to unfold and manifest, it is important to enjoy the process, the here and now. Why wait to be happy until you have lost weight or got a better job, for example? 

What if those things never happen? What if that supposedly ‘better’ job isn’t any better?

Again, it is the ego or mind setting up rules to govern how/when/where we can and will be happy. It is creating a conditional happiness. “When X happens, I will be happy.” “When I get Y, I will be happy.” “When I meet my other half, I will be happy and I will feel loved.” (For the record, I do not believe that we are ‘half-made’ and need to find another half to feel whole or full. Each and everyone of us is already whole. Once more, it is the mind placing a condition upon love as well as happiness.)

If we adhere to these rules, we miss out on other potentials for happiness and joy that we could have experienced along the way. We limit ourselves. Essentially we are building the bars for our own cage to lock ourselves up in. We are the ones putting the shackles around our ankles and wrists. 

I believe happiness does not depend on a set of conditions. Happiness can be experienced right here, right now. Just being alive in the first place. And as I feel happy in this moment, then really it does not matter what happens next. Remember the ego loves to create, and live in, drama. The heart does no such thing.

I endeavour to break free from these self-imposed shackles and conditions for happiness and love.

Will you join me?

The Adventure Has Started

A few months ago I decided it was time for another adventure. I had been following an online coaching course run by my friend Kim from Energised Performance UK to figure out what I wanted from this year.

Through the exercises Kim provided, which made me reflect on past achievements as well as future dreams, I realised how much I have done and how courageous I have been. It sparked my adventurous streak and I felt the urge to travel again. 

I came up with a loose plan and a destination that has been tugging at my heart for over a year now: 

Scotland. 

This new adventure reminds me of the travel adventure I went on in 2004. I spent a year travelling and working on a Working Holiday Visa in stunning New Zealand (NZ). I had an incredible time. It was after I had finished my Masters degree and I had been temping in Sheffield, whilst figuring out what to do next. I felt the pull of travel and since I had no ties, the timing was there for the taking and the plunge was ready to be made.

When I went to NZ all I knew was: a) I wanted to go there, and b) I wanted to spend the first few months in Queenstown, because it was winter and I could go snowboarding all season. Of course, I wanted to travel around and discover the country, live life like a local, but a clear plan wasn’t drawn up – instead I followed my intuition and my feelings.

This is how I feel my trip to Scotland will go. I am staying with friends as I make my way up north, and other than the three-week volunteer placement I have arranged at horse stables in North-west Scotland, I don’t know what else will happen. I would like to travel around, discover hidden gems and find out if it's somewhere I could live next. Who knows what I will come across, who I will meet, where I will go. If there is one thing I wish for, then that is clarity and trust that the next step will be illuminated and I will make/find my way. I will stay open and flexible. I am not putting a time on the trip – it could last a few weeks, or a few months.

I am excited about it. What am I going to discover? About Scotland, about life, about myself? My curiosity is awakened, she’d been napping for too long.

I was meant to drive over to the UK this afternoon to start the first leg of my trip. I had planned to visit one of my dearest university friends, who lives about an hour’s drive from Folkestone. I had booked the 19:20 Eurotunnel train from Calais to Folkestone, and I had this morning to pack the last couple of bits and get ready to leave after lunch. However, when I got up and went downstairs, my mum told me there had been a lot of snow overnight in Belgium, France and South-East England – all the places where I was going to be driving through!

I kept my eye on travel reports and weather forecasts and around midday I finally decided that it wasn’t worth trying to travel today. In particular, the final stretch of motorway to get to Calais had a delay of up to an hour and a half, and it didn’t seem to get any better as the time went on.

I phoned Eurotunnel and I changed my booking to tomorrow with no problem whatsoever. In fact it was so easy I felt relieved and reinforced that the decision I made to delay my travel had been the right decision.

Even though I haven’t actually hit the road yet, I feel my adventure has already started!

How can you inject some adventure into your life? Do you have any trips coming up?

New Take On Valentine's Day

On Thursday it is St. Valentine’s Day. I used to dread this day. A knot would tighten in my stomach in the days leading up to it. Actually, I remember one year when I had a brilliant Valentine’s Day. I was given three cards. I felt like the luckiest girl alive. This was a good sign for the years to come, or so I thought. I was nine years old. 

Over the years I have resisted Valentine’s Day, judging the ridiculousness of having a day to remind us to give or show love to our special someone. “Why can’t we do that every day?”, I would think. Also, I did not like how commercial it had become. 

I will be honest with you, I felt this way because I was jealous and angry. I was jealous of people who did receive gifts and love on Valentine’s Day. I was angry because I believed no one cared about me, because if they did, surely they would give me something on Valentine’s Day, right? Isn’t that what they, society and the media for example, were saying and making me believe?

As time went by and those three cards seemed more of a fluke than anything else, I began to resent the day. It became a vicious cycle. I kept saying “I never receive anything on Valentine’s Day and I hate the day”, and then lo and behold, that would be the outcome for me each year, reinforcing my perception. I would feel disappointed yet again. It hurt watching the adverts promoting cards and gift ideas, or hearing friends whose boyfriends or girlfriends had something special planned. It seemed like something was wrong with you if you didn’t have admirers inundating you with cards, flowers and chocolates. Or so they said and made me believe.

Even when I had a boyfriend, Valentine’s Day was a disaster. I didn’t do myself any favours when I said to them, “Oh, I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day, what a load of rubbish. Don’t worry, I don’t expect anything.”. Secretly, I had hoped they would see through that and surprise me anyway. One year I know that upon my housemate’s insistence did my boyfriend think to get me a bunch of flowers, because she knew I would love that (and I did, until I heard it hadn’t been his idea and I was once again disappointed and my belief that I wasn’t worth it was reinforced).

Even though I still think Valentine’s Day has become too commercial, I do feel differently this year.

Why with all this ‘bad’ experience am I planning to embrace the day and put all of that behind me?

Because I have finally faced myself and my expectations and out-dated beliefs. I have realised that I can still receive gifts of love and appreciation. Who will give this to me? 

Me. 

I am going to give the love and appreciation to myself by recognising my worth and celebrating it. Why not make Valentine’s Day a day that celebrates all kinds of love, including self-love? 

And I am not waiting till Thursday to make this happen, I am already thinking of things that I appreciate about myself – the good and the bad. Even my shadow is receiving my love, because without it I wouldn’t be me, and I like who I am. And my shadow comes in handy; whenever my shadow appears I know it is telling me something I need to know, something that I am missing or it gives me the push that I need at that time. 

I have been single for a while, but I have so much love in my life. Something I have learnt over the years is that love doesn’t always come in the way you expect it. I had been so caught up in believing that love comes from a couple of places, I did not see that love comes in many, often unexpected, ways, including from within. 

To expect love to only come from just one direction, limits the infinite flow of the wonderful love that is around every single moment. It is waiting behind the door to your heart, wagging its tail, itching for you to notice its existence, so it can rush in and ball you over (and give you a good lick!).

If I had known this before, I could have saved myself from dissatisfaction every year. Instead, I could have been the one to celebrate and appreciate me. But there is no point in lingering in the past. I am grateful I have removed the heavy drapes that covered my eyes and I can see the beautiful light and love that exists inside and out.

I finally understand the notion “You are what you seek” and this Valentine’s Day I will celebrate love in all shapes and sizes.

I don’t need to buy myself something material to celebrate the day, words and recognition are enough...though perhaps I will purchase a new CD that I have my eye on, just because I feel like it!

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? How can you give (more) love to yourself?

Thoughts On Blogging In 2013

I haven’t blogged much this month. The first weeks of the year have gone quickly, and much of the time has been spent planning and dreaming up ideas for the coming months.

What’s interesting is that this time last year, I was committed to a blogging goal I’d set for 2012: to post once a week.

When I look at the amount of entries for 2012, I posted 51 times. On average that’s almost one a week. Am I bothered I didn’t hit my target? No. I am thrilled I got so close! The underlying aim was to keep up a commitment I’d made, plus it would help me to write regularly. And that is exactly what I achieved.

This year I have not set a specific blogging goal, at least not for this blog. I will continue to share my experiences and insights, because some of my lovely readers have told me that what I write about resonates with them or is helping them in some way. For me, that’s rewarding.

On further reflection, this year will be about blog quality, not quantity. I discovered – funnily enough through the art course I am currently on – that I have a tendency to work in a rush. This was picked up by my Dutch art tutor, who gently suggested I work more rustig on my assignments. At first I was a little offended, because my mind told me I was working calmly on my drawings. After it sunk in, I knew she was right. I am now making a conscious effort to take my time, and to relish in the act of creating, whether it’s my drawings or my pieces of writing. I feel present and more alive when I work in this way.

I set up another blog late last year – Carrie Sanderson, Writer & Artist – to share my artistic side and which may require more of my attention than this one. I am still in the beginning stages of shaping it and adding content; I have no idea where it will take me, I just knew that I wanted to set it up to encourage myself to believe in my own creativity. My aim for my artistic blog is to post something at least twice a month, which is most achievable.

What are your writing and/or blogging goals for this year?

My Word For 2013

For the past couple of years, instead of New Year’s resolutions, I have chosen a word that would become my focus for that year. 

Play was my word for 2012.

Trust was my aim in 2011.

When deciding a few weeks ago what my word for this year would be, the first thing that popped into my mind was Courage. It felt right, but to be sure I jotted down other words to see if anything else would entice me: embrace, authenticity, integrity, honesty, love, clarity and kindness, to name a few. Still, I was drawn to courage like a bee is drawn to pollen.

A few days later my list of words had become so lengthy I thought, “This is crazy, why don’t I go with my first choice? Do I not trust my intuition?”. And there was my answer. I knew then that I had to trust my intuition and go with Courage. To be honest, I had been a little scared by my choice, because I felt that once I set foot on that road, there would be no turning back. 

But there was nothing better. There is nothing better at this moment in time.

If you read my previous post Reflect On 2012, you will know that last year I learnt a lot about myself. What’s more I started to believe in myself, particularly as a writer. I discovered writing is my passion. Writing is something I cannot live without. It has always been a part of me, yet it has taken me decades to acknowledge this.

I discovered my voice and I found the courage to start expressing it. Something in me has shifted. Old hurts and pains have been released, beliefs shattered like broken glass and my voice is breaking free from past conditioning that I was once silenced by. I was holding myself back, in all areas of my life, not just in writing.

Courage will help me to continue on my (writing) path. I now need my Courage to follow my dream, to follow my heart and to be who I am and aspire to be. I now need my Courage to reach for, and become my potential. 

Even though I do not set New Year’s resolutions, I do make plans and I have ideas of what I would like to achieve each year. I may have to adjust my goals during the year, because certain things are beyond my control, and I accept that. Having a word that encompasses everything helps to keep my focus and attention on the things I want, not what I don’t want.

This year I am making bold decisions and I will be taking brave steps, challenging myself to step up, and out of my comfort zone where I’ve lingered for so long my body has left an imprint behind. Over the past few months I have put in the work and effort to answer the questions that are on my mind:

What do I really want?
What is my heart telling me?
Which direction do I want to take?

As the fog is lifting and the sun is casting light on the path just ahead of me, I see my next step. I trust the step after that will be illuminated when the time is right. Like Martin Luther King, Jr. says, “Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”. And as I take the step, Courage is by my side, holding my hand, whispering in my ear, “You can do it”.

What is your word for 2013? How will it help you move forward in your life?