Do You Explain Too Often?

A while ago I read an interesting article by Christine Kane in which she talks about ‘explainers’. In it, she gives six good reasons to stop explaining yourself, if you have a tendency to do so. It got me to thinking about how this is true for me at times. I tend to explain my actions and decisions to others. When I was younger, I would do this all the time. Now, and maybe that’s because I am more secure about who I am and what I want, I do it less. It’s mainly in relation to the bigger ‘life’ decisions, such as why I moved abroad, or why I broke up with a long-term boyfriend. It wasn’t enough to say “it wasn’t working for me” – I felt a need to explain further. 

Aren't we looking for other people’s approval of our decisions when we explain why we did, or didn’t, do something? Consciously, I know I don’t need someone’s approval to do what I want, yet when I explain myself, aren’t I somehow seeking to find out what that person thinks of me, my actions, or my decision-making ability? Or is it merely a reflection back to myself, and the person I am judging is me? 

What I do know is that sometimes I gain clarity by explaining my decisions. It’s as if I need to think out loud. So, in this case the other person is a sounding board, someone you can bounce ideas off. Other times, people may be genuinely interested in your decisions, and the process of making your decision. “How did you do that?” they may ask, thinking they would also like to quit their job/move abroad/start a business, but they are unsure about how they will do it.

Is it when we make a decision and then are afraid to announce it to our spouse, parents, family and friends, that is the problem? 

There will be people who don’t approve of, or agree with, your decisions and actions. That is their reaction, their responsibility, not yours. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. They have a choice when reacting to your actions, just like you have a choice in how you react to their decisions and actions.

By explaining yourself and your decisions, aren’t you questioning your ability to decide what is right for you at that time? Isn’t it inviting other people to question you? The ego seems to want a justification for your decision to move/quit your job/write a book. Your true self doesn’t need this explanation. All that matters is believing in yourself.

You can be held back by constantly explaining yourself. Wasting time and energy waiting for other people’s reactions once you’ve made a decision, when you could be seizing the moment or the opportunity. We are responsible for our own happiness, so if quitting your job/going back to university/becoming a painter makes you truly happy, do it! Let the others worry about their reaction. Yes it’s scary, but once you listen to your heart and act on it, you empower yourself.

Where and when can you stop explaining yourself and your actions? Is there something you want (to do) that you can go ahead with, without explaining why?