The Paralysing Power Of 'When'

“When I have won the lottery, I will travel the world.”

“When I have enough money, I will find out what I want to do in life.”

“When I have the time, I will paint.”

“When I’ve tidied the office, I will write.”

“When...”

“When...”

Does this sound familiar?

Our ‘when’ statements, like the above, are paralysing; they hold us back. It’s as if we are waiting for the perfect moment to do/be/have what we truly want. But does that perfect moment exist? Our minds create the illusion that then, and only then, can we
travel/paint/write. We could, however, be waiting our whole lifetime for that ideal moment, because we may never win the lottery, for example.

Our ‘when’ statements are used to avoid facing our fears. What if we do what we want, get what we want, have what we want? What if we have success? It’s not always failure we fear; fear of success is ever present, sometimes more so than fear of failure. As if a part of us thinks we don’t deserve what we truly want. Our primitive brain wants to keep us safe in our comfort zone, where there is no risk of either success or failure. This is why we feel paralysed. The fight/flight/freeze response, housed in the primitive brain, kicks in. We freeze on the spot. We feel debilitated and unable to move forward. We are stuck in our comfort zone. We wait instead of live. We don’t engage with life and we ignore what our heart is yearning for us to do.

My mum wrote a brilliant blog post The Time Has Come about her experience of the paralysing power of ‘when’. It was about setting up her blog.

How do I break down my ‘when’ statements? First of all, I become aware of what is going on. I notice my thoughts, my feelings, and how my body reacts. I check my stress levels: are they high? Am I coping with a lot? Stress can be underlying. Headaches, IBS and skin problems all show me that perhaps I am more stressed than I realise. If this is the case, I take time out to relax (e.g. relaxation CD, exercise) to bring those stress levels back down.

Secondly, and this is challenging: I accept what is happening, I accept my situation.

Once I am aware and I accept my situation, I can start to change my thoughts around it and how I react to it. Step by step I can break the cycle. It takes time, and therefore I ensure I am kind and gentle to myself. I am aware I am in a process.

My mind/ego/primitive brain will try to battle for control and some days it will win. The fear returns. That’s OK, because I remind myself about being kind and gentle to myself, taking time out to relax, being aware of what is happening, accepting it and then changing my thought patterns again.   

Lastly, I look at the way I can create how I want things to be, rather than just reacting to events and triggers. What small thing can I do today to take me one step closer to my dream/goal? What can I do to make things happen the way I would like them to happen? I do something that is easily achieved and before I know it, those small things result in bigger changes. The ‘when’ becomes the ‘now’.

Do you struggle with ‘when’ statements? What do you do to overcome them?